mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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