dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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