In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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