So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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