Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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