I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
