Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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