I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
