Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
