He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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