he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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