why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
