i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
True college students do jello shots in the library
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
