Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
