what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
