I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
