The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
