Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize