Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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