you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
