I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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