i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
