I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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