I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
