The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
