Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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