she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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