Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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