how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
