Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
