how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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