I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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