Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
