Plan B is the new Plan A
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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