You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
