Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
