I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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