Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
