Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
