call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize