Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
