Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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