she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
