New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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