I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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