What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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