I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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