do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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