he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
