I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
