it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
