If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
