What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
