Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
