dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
