You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
