My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
