Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
